I Love a Tailgate

Tailgates are to men what weddings are to women. Serious planning, getting the right outfit, open bar, and a guy may even bring two pairs of shoes for the occasion. The most important element: good stories and recycled jokes. A man's story and a woman's dress are pretty much the same in that it's how we relate to each other. A big difference is that a man can get away with telling the same joke in a different way more than a woman can wear a different belt with the same dress.

Without a further ado, here's how to succeed in conversation at your next tailgate:

1. Share legendary stories that took place while at another tailgate. I'll never forget it. November 1, 2003. That's All Saints Day, you know. Anyway, Notre Dame Stadium parking lot, minutes before the kick-off between the Fighting Irish vs. Florida State. I have yet to secure my ticket. My friend Fred says he has it taken care of. The next thing I know, I'm being offered a beer and a ticket in the student section by the grandson of legendary ND Football coach Ara Parseghian. That's like getting guitar lessons from Jimi Hendrix lineage. After the telling of the story, it's usually met with "Ara Par-seee-gian? Ara Par-seee-gian?" in between bites of sausages and peppers.

2. Say that the Karate Kid is an important film. Sometimes that's all you need to say and everyone will nod and move on. The Karate Kid is more than just a classic 80s tale of a fish-out-of water Jersey kid befriending a wise old man who teaches him about life and love through the lessons of karate. It's also more than just Elizabeth Shue stealing the movie anytime she wears a White Cord sweater. It's a good deal about that, but it's much more.

Ultimately, it's about war and how life experiences shape philosophy and attitude. The two main characters are really Mr. Miyagi (product of a just war/WWII) and Sensei John Kreese (product of an unjust war/Vietnam). Their experiences influence their teaching philosophy and affects how their students learn about karate. And that's as deep as the analysis gets - the bbq chicken is usually ready by this point in the conversation. [Aside: This is a brilliant Where Are They Now and What Could Have Been video for the Kobra Kai:]



3. Repeat lines from Fletch or Caddyshack and recalling times when you perfectly fit a line into real life scenario. They say life comes down to a few key moments. Well, there are only a few key moments in life when a Chevy Chase line is so perfectly applicable to the situation, that one must watch Fletch and Caddyshack at least 87 times to fully ensure that the right line is on the tip of the tongue.

Most importantly, and it's hard to plan for, but you really need a male eye witness to attest to how perfectly the line was dropped. Kind of like a hole in one. Now, most women don't understand Chevy Chase's appeal or his humor, so one could question why a guy would utter a Chase line in mixed company. It's sorta like how women dress for other women to notice, that's exactly why I guy would drop a Fletch quote - it's for other men to appreciate.

Well, summer in between sophomore and junior year, Tom Grasso and I go to visit an RA friend of his in the dorms and low and behold she answers the door in a towel. I can't believe my good fortune and I'm ready with "Do you mind if I borrow your towel, my car just hit a water buffalo." No response from her, but I still remember Tom laughing for the next ten minutes.

I considered my life almost fully accomplished at that point.