The Family Wedding Part II: The Best Man Speech

After the appetizers, the most anticipated moment of the evening is the best man speech. I love a good speech. Actually, if I had my druthers, I would be eating appetizers while listening to the best man speech. Combine your passions whenever possible.

When you think about a wedding, everything is planned and coordinated way in advance - venue, caterer, flowers, minister, bridesmaid dresses, centerpieces, etc; so it's amazing that a guy could spend less time working on his best man speech than it took him to get dressed that morning. How can you not have written this down? How can you not have practiced in the mirror? Are you actually aware that their are grandparents and great aunts in attendance?

I feel like the success rate of a good best man speech is one out of three. I would say my cousin's best man (his brother, also making him my cousin) fell into the successful category, but he also didn't go for a very high degree of difficulty. The East German side of the family was not all together impressed.

Hearing a best man speech always takes me back to other best man speeches. They usually fall flat for failure to adhere to the unwritten rules of winning over wedding guests -

1. Tap the champagne glass with a knife, don't have the DJ introduce you. Call me superstitious but I don't want the DJ involved in any aspect of the best man speech including introducing the best man. At my cousin's wedding, the DJ goes "And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Larry to deliver his best man speech..." He might as well be announcing that Larry is going to pitch a perfect game before he's even gotten on the mound. The only intro a best man needs is metal tapping crystal.

2. Your opener is everything, be simple, gracious and drape the bride's family in praise. The best best man speech I've ever heard in my life was great because of it's simple, ingenius opening. He was the married, older brother of a friend from college (by the way, you are ALWAYS in better hands with a married man giving the best man speech) and his opening: "I'm Fred's older brother and we are honored and thankful to be joined by you all this evening, I want to share a few thoughts about my brother but before I begin I just want to say how happy I am that my brother found Jody. If you spend just five minutes with her Mom, you will understand where she gets her grace, compassion and charm from, and if get a few minutes with her Dad, you will understand where she gets her work ethic, selflessness and loyalty." On a scale of 1-10, that's a 22 as an opener. This guy should be teaching a class. Unlike other areas of life, the earlier you can make women cry, the better off you will be during a best man speech. He could have gone on to tell about the time Fred walked around bottomless in Cabo for 27 hours wearing a Hartford Whalers jersey and no one would have remembered because he nailed that opening. Which bring us to...

3. No allusions to embarrassing behavior or vacation highlights from Mexico. Rarely does a best man actually share the stories but there always seems to be the passing reference about "I could tell you about all his embarrassing stories..." Ha ha. Why even mention? There is a reason Aaron Sorkin does not write adult film screenplays. He has a higher calling and purpose just like the best man. You can't try to pull-off "meaningful and heartfelt" and then dangle "I could get you divorced before we cut the cake".

4. No pop culture or movie references. These will bomb no matter how good you think the reference is. Next time you are out to breakfast order a glass of red wine with your belgian waffle and then pay close attention to the look on the waiter's face. That's how guests will be looking at you if you make a movie or pop culture reference during a toast. My Uncle Frank was the best man for his best friend from high school and he pulled out a memorable line from Back to the Future - "She was his density. I mean his destiny." Crickets. If only he had a DeLorean to go back in time and set the dash to 7:15 pm, September 16, 1988, Coastline Ballroom, Cherry Hill, NJ.

5. You're best off coming from the heart. Owen Wilson is right. At my cousin's wedding two weekends ago, the best man (his brother) delivered a short, short speech that went perfectly with the short, short ceremony. He introduced himself as the brother (good that we know who you are) and says he's nervous (everyone claps to give him encouragement). Then he dug down and went for the ole if a=b and b=c, then a=c transitory property of brotherly love - "I love my brother, he knows I love him, I do love you, and I know how much he loves Angela, so that's how I know I love her too."

That's it. And you know what? I would say it's perfect. He didn't try to do to much and he stayed true to the spirit of the toast - let the bride and groom know there is love all around and it starts with the best man.