Flirting Scorecard

Flirting has never been my strong point. I think it’s partly fear of being misunderstood, which of course reminds me of the saying – "When leading, be comfortable being misunderstood." While that approach may work for a social entrepreneur, when initiating a dance (of words or of movement), romance is definitely at odds with that pearl of wisdom.

Ironically, get me in a dentist’s office and all fear goes away. First, I take care of my teeth so I don’t have any nervousness about my twice-annual check-up. This confidence takes the emphasis off me and I can re-direct towards the people in the dentist’s office. At a bar, I’m always worried I have something stuck in my teeth. I don’t have this worry when I go to the dentist – I just spent 12 minutes straight brushing, flossing and gargling.

Second, there are two groups of people in a dentist’s office and they both can use a laugh – the people who inflict pain on your teeth (hygienists) and the people who inflict pain on your insurance company (billers). Unless you are Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors, comedic moments are few and far between in this profession. Confidence and an easy audience is a dangerous thing to give a man.

In recent years, the flirting has been directed at the admin support and billers because my two usual dentists have been a 50 year-old man and a married woman. Well, there is nothing usual about my dentist. She’s not 50 and not a man. If teeth could blush, they would for my dentist.

Here’s a flirting scorecard recap of my 20 minute appointment:

1. Rookie mistake during small talk: They say never mention religion or politics when you first meet someone. I think that goes triple when the other person has a sharp metal object directed at your gums. "Sean, what you are doing on your day off?" I responded I was going to see the documentary Religulous which pokes fun at religion and casts doubt on God. Whoops. I probably should have paraphrased that differently. Score: -2

2. Safe joke, get back on track: After she did an initial scope she mentioned that my teeth look good, two small cavities to monitor, but overall pretty good. I responded "So, that sounds like a B+." Small chuckle and then added with a laugh "Yes, I think that’s right." Score: +1

3. Joke with great potential backfires: "Sean, is cherry flavored okay for the teeth-cleaning?" My response: "Well, actually, I would prefer limoncello." In the millisecond after I said it I thought to myself: "That was a brilliant off the cuff retort." In the three seconds that followed, she started cleaning my teeth and said (without the laugh made famous by my B+ comment) - "Lemm-mmon jello?" out loud as if this was the dumbest request for a fluoride flavor she's ever heard of. And then added matter of factly, "No, I don’t think we have that." Oh, no, I nailed the timing, but she misheard me and now I can’t talk to correct her because my mouth is saying "Ahhhh." The running dialogue I had with myself: "No. no. no. Limoncello, not lemon jello. Lemon jello has no taste. She must think I have really bad taste in jello or an unadventurous palette. Wait, if I did correct her with limoncello, that would have been so pretentious. She had to hear it right the first time otherwise the joke was dead on delivery. How often is limoncello the perfect response to a question? Never. You know, limoncello – it’s a sugary lemon liqueur. Sugar, rots teeth. You're a dentist. Ha ha. Liqueur, loosens you up and numbs. I'm a patient. Ha ha. Limoncello, makes me seem sophisticated like I’ve been to a nice Italian restaurant at least three times in my life. I really hate jello now. In the immortal words of Billy Crystal, somewhere between lemon jello and limoncello is my problem." Score: -2

4. Yes, a confidently delivered you’re pretty without saying you’re pretty line. After the teeth cleaning, she said I did a good job. To which I replied: "You are not so bad yourself." I think it was just the way I said it because she smiled, laughed once, followed by another laugh that trailed off into another smile. Score: +3

5. And one for the road: I set this appointment six months ago not realizing it would fall on Veteran’s Day. So, I wound up coming in at 9:00 am on an off day. She said – "Next appointment in six months. Want to keep 9:00 am on a Tuesday again?" To which I replied: "Yes, and if you can find a national holiday to book it on, that would be ideal for me. What’s in May? How about Memorial Day? See you then?" Once again, the A+ laugh from the B+ joke. Score: +2

Flirting scorecard tally: -2 +1 -2 +3 +2 = +2

Well, if we were at a bar that’s a pretty favorable impression and I think I stand a good chance at getting her number. Well, it’s not, it’s a dentist’s office, she's my dentist, and I did leave with an appointment card, same as everyone else, but maybe I also left with something even more important - letting go of the fear of being misunderstood and trusting the natural charm of thirty years lived.

Now, that I'm in my 30s, I've embarked on a 10 year strategic plan with an ultimate HPG of engagement. Could be accomplished in year 4 or year 9 or 10. Doesn't really matter when, but know this - when I do get engaged, the lemon jello shots are on me.