Kristi Yamaguchi Doesn't Move Her Feet When She Skates or Dances; that's the Earth Tilting on its Axis

You probably have witnessed the deification of Chuck Norris over the last couple years with websites that have popped up with super human factoids like 'Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird" or "Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open". I still really don't get his appeal but okay; Bruce Lee whupped him in Game of Death.



He's built himself quite the little reputation. And, here's the thing, he's a guy who can kind of act, kind of kick, and kind of sell exercising equipment. That's about it. You know who else has the same resume? Lorenzo Lamas. It's time to deify someone who is the real deal.

I'm nominating gold medal figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi.

Fro those of you yet to catch Dancing with the Stars fever (now in Season 6, so what are you waiting for?), Kristi has joined the cast of celebrities all vying for the DWS Trophy and a chance to go on tour with Clay Aikan (I think I'm making that up but sounds like it could be true).

In just two weeks, Kristi has left her mark on the show by mastering the fox trot and the Mambo right out of the gate. Nobody has looked so good so fast on this show - not even Slater of Saved by the Bell. Now, critics are arguing that she has an unfair advantage because of the elements of dance and choreography inherent in ice skating.

I have another theory - she's Kristi Yamaguchi. Here's the basic premise: given one week to learn, practice, and train, Kristi Yamaguchi can master anything:

- Excel spreadsheets. She can do an annual budget for a mult-national company and not use formulas. She memorizes them all. Next version of Microsoft Excel will be Kristi Yamaguchi's brain.

- Painting. High end boutique artwork or painting, like painting your house, doesn't matter. For artwork, she'll dab a few spots of black paint and call it a Kristi Yamaguchi orginal. For painting a house, she will dip her skate in paint and cut in a perfect ceiling.

- Egg salad. She could make it if the only ingredient she had was a hen.

- Paper Mache. Just give her a hen, she'll figure it out.

- Needle point. She could sew a dress around herself.

- Double-Dutch. While doing her 1992 Olympic gold medal routine from Albertville

- Start a foundation. Already did. Always Dream Foundation - like Make a Wish but without the red tape.

- Violin. She's so graceful she could play any Mama Mia song on any wood instrument with her skate while doing her 1992 Olympic gold medal routine from Albertville on the other skate.

Feel free to add your own. It's a fun game.

The Search for Gray Pants

They say clothes make the man. Well, a quick look at my wardrobe will tell you that I haven't been made in quite some time. I haven't been excited about any shirts I've bought in the last couple years; nice pair of pants even longer. Department stores. High end boutiques. Name brand outlets. Just not feeling them. People say I should try the online thing but, seriously, how can that replace seeing what you want and going after it? LBJ would tell you it can't. He only bought Haggar pants, and only after Sunday morning walks in the Rose Garden.

Over the last two weekends, I've approached finding the perfect pair of gray pants like the documentary film maker Myles Berkowitz approached finding love in 20 Dates - open-minded and committed to the larger mission. Considering this Thursday is Valentine's Day, it's not lost on me that this pant-finding mission could be interpreted as a metaphor for finding love; but I prefer to think of it as using the trials and tribulations of failed romance to prove how important gray pants are.

Now, when I say I'm looking for gray pants, some may say that's very generic and should be easy to find, like saying I'm looking for a "nice person with a good heart." So, to be more specific, I'm looking for dark gray pants - not charcoal, more like a dark gray Crayola crayon color; not dressy but not too casual; a Docker style but not necessarily the Docker brand, and of course, no pleats. And a real pair of pants not that airy thin summer style. I'm demoralized that these pants don't exist. Is it possible there is a fashion conspiracy to keep young professional men in the New England uniform - blue shirt and khaki pants?

So, off we go through the apparel circuit:

Banana Republic: I know ambition can be a virtue, but this place just has too much of it. I don't think BR is a gray pant friendly place. The kind of pants they offer give off the vibe of "I'm an investment banker, I work out 4-5 days a week, training for my third marathon on off days. My favorite place to go after work is Kings." The BR guy is trying to maintain effortless perfection. Any time I meet a guy like that I want to give him a grape soda. Not sure why, but that's what comes to mind.



J. Crew: The guy shopping in J. Crew is very similar to the BR guy except he smiles more. It's hard not be happy in here with all the pastels floating around and there's always at least one sales rep wearing a bright green blazer. I feel good about this for some reason. The guy who shops here has visions of marrying a graphic designer who studied in Australia and worked in Japan. J. Crew is maddeningly close to what I'm looking for: chocolate khaki, navy blue, faint purple, dark green. Your perfect except you don't come in gray. That's like telling someone you like that it can't continue because of religious differences.

Men's Wearhouse: Okay, it's kind of dumb gimmicky name like a bed store called the Lumbar Yard, but it's outside the periphery of the late twenties apparel circuit, so it could surprise. What surprised me was the honesty of the place. What are you looking for today, sir? Dressy or casual? "Actually, I'm looking for a hybrid? Do you have that in gray pants?" I guess he's not used to customers knowing exactly what they want, so it may have disarmed him. "No, we don't have that. I know what you mean though." Well, once the truth is out, it's pretty easy to walk away.


TJ Maxx: I feel like if you are looking for a nice girl, you go to church. Just like if you are looking for a nice pair of pants you go to Marshalls or TJ Max. Unfortunately, the holy trinity of the pant buying decision - fabric, cut, and reasonable price - needs to be favorable in all three variables. TJ Maxx usually fails the first two.

American Eagle: I haven't bought anything in this store since the Mighty Mighty Bosstones were big but I know they carry the color of pants I'm looking for; unfortunately I also know they will probably be cargo pants. Yup, there they are. A 29 year old dropping in on AE is akin to a college sophomore attending a high school party. Whether or not people see you as refreshingly cool or completely lame, you don't belong there.

Forever 21 (New York): It's nice to have an out-of-town shopping fling and Forever 21 in Union Square is mine. And by fling, I mean I bought one thing in two visits over three years. Unfortunately, I can't pull off most their clothes - a low hung, wide neck sweater? Forget it. I like the design and the material, but I just can't pull that off. And so the fling has probably ended.

Gap: Any man who ends up here is completely out of ideas and no longer has the will to hold out for what he's really looking for. Looking around the Gap is like looking at a McDonald's menu - you know exactly what they have but are committed to looking around in the off chance they have something new. Six shades of tan khaki? Really, I wouldn't have guessed that.

7 places down, 13 to go. My Crayola gray pair of pants is out there somewhere.

It's Official: Sustainability Analyst Declares Jessica Simpson is 'my Valentine'

The word has gotten out and Jon Randall is not denying it. After seven weeks of speculation, originally broke by US Weekly, the non-profit sustainability analyst, 23, confirmed the rumor by the 4th floor vending machine: "Jessica Simpson is my Valentine."

Throughout her three year marriage to Nick, he admits to an on-again-off-again crush on the Dukes of Hazzard star. "I realize it's poor form to make a play for a married woman," he says, lifting the tab off a Dr. Pepper, "I'm just glad my feelings can be out in the open now."

It's no secret that the two-time national service alum has a thing for blond fashion plates. He's recently been linked to Janet, an out-of-work hairdresser and Courtney, an aspiring concert celloist.

But what about Simpson whose been linked to Josh Lucas, Trace Ayala, Jude Law, and was recently reported to have had a "sleepover" at the Chateau Marmont with Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine, is the attraction one-sided?

CaCee Cobb, Jess's personal shadow, could not be reached for comment, but an insider close to her doesn't seem to think so. "She really likes him. She really likes a lot of people right now, but as someone who works in the non-profit world, he understands the demands of her job. She appreciates that."

Match.com's Kristin Kelly goes a step further. "He's easygoing, understands economics, and is handsome. He even made a $10 donation in Jessica's name to MSPCA. That was sweet. Jessica tends to gravitate toward caring and mature men, maybe because of the close relationship with her dad. This could be good!"
So what's on tap for this cozy couple on Valentine's Day? "I'm not really sure," sighs Jon, "I mean I thought about flying out to L.A. to surprise her, but her publicist's assistant gave me some helpful romance tips and said 'Jessica does not like surprises' and that she likes guys to 'respect her privacy.' I still feel like I should do something for her."

Claire from ehow.com recommends that long distance lovers should get creative when it comes to Valentine's Day. "Fax a photocopy of candy hearts with endearing messages such as 'Miss You' or 'U R Hot' or make a short film ahead of time with only you in it, telling your significant other how much they mean to you."

"I don't know," Jon shrugs, taking a last gulp from his Dr. Pepper, "I just wish there was a way for her to know that I'm thinking about her. Isn't that what we all want on Valentine's Day?"

If 50 Cent Did a Year of Service, He Would Have Better Civic Values

The weekend before last was your typical weekend of gambling, fine dining, plush hotel accomodations, and brush with a rap artist. Through a connection with a friend, I spent two nights in the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Battery Park in NYC. It was a nice contrast to the ultimate goal of my trip - degenerate gambling at Belmont Park for the Breeders Cup.

After Friday night dining at a 2 star seafood joint, my friend and I walked back to the Ritz. Who is walking to entrance at the exact same time...none other than 50 cent with four of his boys. Not only do we walk in together amiss calls of "Hey, Fitttty," but we ride in the same elevator. Apparently, when rappers ride in an elevator with their posse, they stand in Boy Band formation for security purposes. My friend and I are standing left center of the doors while Fifty's muscle is standing in wall-like formation. Fifty is staring at himself in the mirror (in the opposite direction that everyone else is facing).



There are many things that I could have done so Fifty would remember me. There are many articles of clothing and body parts I could have asked him to autograph. I did nothing. I was going to just let him walk out of my life without anything to remember the experience except the "I'm Fitty!" stare he gave himself in the mirror.

As the elevator stopped at his floor, Fifty was apparently not content with me rising to a higher floor than him without doing something so I would remember him. As he got off the elevator, he stopped, gave me the once over (not like he would give Beyonce the once-over; more like how he would give a skinny white boy with glasses the once-over)...laughed...and then walked onto his floor and out of the elevator.

He has ignored many men in his day. Made friends with even more women. However, there are few among us who can say they have been mocked by 50 cent. And, that, is better than an autograph.