The first thing I noticed when Tiger Woods stepped from behind the blue curtain at PGA Headquarters on Friday morning, to make his first public address in more than two months, was "He's not wearing a tie." I have had an appreciation for the tie since I spent 4 straight hours teaching myself how to tie a perfect double windsor knot from a "How to Tie a Tie" pamphlet back in freshman year of high school. (Yes, that's a true story. And I still have that pamphlet.) However, I have yet to read a pamphlet, manual or bumper sticker that instructs a man when to wear a tie and when to go more casual with an open button. Why exactly don't they teach these things in school?
I've lived by one credo in my life - "If wearing a Sports or Suit Jacket always put a tie in the pocket just in case." However, whenever faced with a confidence in credo problem (as Tiger has these past few months), it helps to have some rules of thumb in place.
Wear a tie:
Weddings and Funerals: I'm pretty sure ties were invented for such occasions, and only worn for these occasions, until Brooks Brothers came on the scene and made it into a multi-billion dollar business.
Baptisms, Confirmations and prominent Church-related activities: Most children involved in prominent Church-related activities are wearing some kind of a special robe. Rule of life - don't ever let an infant or kid outdress you in Church. Wear a tie.
Board Room Presentation: If for no other than reason than you will want to take the edge off when you finish your presentation, and what's the most natural way to take the edge off? Loosening a tie. Drink always come second. Don't skip steps.
Job Interview: You want your interviewer to think "Hey, you know, you really wore that tie because of social convention and professional standards, but I kinda feel like you wore it for me and I appreciate it."
Meeting the President of the United States, First Lady, Queen of England, Head of State, etc: When leaving an impression on royalty or high-powered people, you always have a better chance of being remembered if you wear a sharp-looking tie. Skinny white guys can't rely on looks alone to leave an impression. Hypothetically, if I met the First Lady and her Chief of Staff at an event, do I stand a better chance of being remembered with tie or no tie? Let's break that down using the following hypothetical exchange:
Scenario 1: No tie
First Lady Chief of Staff: Did you meet Sean? First Lady: Who? Not that skinny guy eating all of the shrimp?
Scenario 2: Tie
First Lady Chief of Staff: Did you meet Sean? First Lady: Oh, the guy in the light blue tie with red starbursts? What a handsome young man.
Don't Wear a tie:
Public Apology about your Mistresses: I think no tie was a good call for Tiger. As mentioned above, a tie reminds people of weddings and religious activities (tie would have only equaled bad irony for Tiger), and doesn't convey the kind humbleness you want in a public apology about mistresses. In fact going one step further, Tiger even made the right button choice. If he goes open collar and leaves the top button unbottoned, he doesn't come across solemn enough. That apology could only have been delivered with no tie and top button closed down.
Meeting a member of the Presidential Cabinet or Deputy Administration staff: if Cabinet members or deputy staff worked a little harder in life, they could have been President. Same goes for my wardrobe - could have worked a little harder but I'm a little more comfortable breathing this way.
Meeting the Parents of a significant other for the first time: Ask yourself this question, if you are going to a place where it's expected that you wear a tie and, at this place, you will be meeting the parents of a significant other for the first time, are you really set up for success? I say no. Do a pre-emptive invite for casual dinner the night before (if tie-mandatory venue is in the morning) or breakfast (if in the afternoon/evening). If unavoidable, well, you better wear that tie. See rules for Wedding, Funerals, Church-related activities, Job Interviews and meeting royalty.
In addition to all of the great service the Alumni Team did in New Orleans over MLK Day Weekend, there was also some quality food eating and civically engaging new friends; however, and I've said this before, when you have great food you have all of the friends you need. Great food has a unique way of conducting a silent orchestra of beautiful words. If you've ever eaten really delicious gnocchis with maitake mushrooms you know what I'm talking about. Without further ado...
[Note: if you missed the First Annual Partially Complete New Orleans Guide to Making Friends and Eatin' Good, click here. Some places on this year's list are repeat venues since they are too good to hit every year.
TUESDAY, 1/12
3:15 PM / Mother’s (401 Poydras Street, Mid City): For fellow meat-lovers, the following beautiful statistic from their web homepage really sets the tone for your experience in New Orleans – “In a single year, Mother’s serves up no less than 175,000 pounds of ham and roast beef.” If you are a newcomer, go with the Ferdi Special, or what I’ve come to call the “Double Meat” – ham and roast beef po’boy dressed with shredded cabbage, pickles, mayo and Creole and yellow mustards. If your friends pound po’boys at a slower clip than you, walk around to see all the celebrity photos. My personal favorite is Jim Belushi looking very unfulfilled like he just got done shooting K-9. The Belushi, incidentally, is a great name for a sandwich.
5:05 PM / Napolean House (500 Chartres, French Quarter): If your city has a place like Napolean House, your next Pimms Cup is on me. No need for a time machine when you can just walk into this 200 year-old establishment and be taken back to the 19th century. The building’s first occupant was Nicholas Girod, Mayor of New Orleans from 1812-1815 who issued an open invite to Napolean during his exile to be roomies. The name stuck even though Napolean never took him up on the offer thereby thwarting one of the best-ever tombstone engravings – “Mayor and common-law husband of Napolean.”
7:05 PM / Lafitte’s Blacksmith (941 Bourbon Street, French Quarter): If your city has a place like Lafitte’s, I will buy you your own Blacksmith. That bet is safe since Lafitte’s is the oldest bar in America, serving spirits since before our nation’s independence. Set back beyond the craziness of Bourbon, Lafitte’s is lit by candlelight which lends itself to deep, late-night life theory discussions not to mention a perfect hide-away for celebrities or smokers caught without matches (Going Out in New Orleans Tip #1: Don’t walk into a bar wearing that new argyle sweater.) Several minutes past seven is too early to appreciate this place especially since the piano bar will be quiet until 9pm but today was just for a quick drink to prime the soul for a future awakening.
8:35 PM / Praline Connection (542 Frenchman Street, Marigny): Speaking of soul, you can’t find more of it than here in this “down-home” Cajun-cooking hot spot. I talked at length last year about the Taste of Soul platter being the best under twenty-dollar value in the country. Since inflation isn’t something cooked on their griddle, let’s make it two years in a row. You can read the menu or you can simply say “Yes” to the Taste of Soul. After dinner, you can walk around Frenchman to get a taste of jazz with great clubs such as the Blue Nile or the Spotted Cat.
10:15 PM / Mimi’s (2601 Royal Street, Marigny): The upstairs and downstairs of Mimi’s fit together like a pair of perfectly worn-in slippers. The upstairs, chill with couches, feels like the downstairs of your friend’s house growing up. If only your friend’s basement came with the stylings of the DJ Soul Sista your life may have been changed more profoundly than watching porn. DJ Soul Sista, employing a rare groove format, is one of the few female djs to spin and mix "100% funk on 100% vinyl.” Or as Flavor Flav calls it, his sexual preference.
WEDNESDAY, 1/13
8:30 AM / CC’s Community Coffee House (650 Poydras Street, Central Business District): If you want to avoid the hustle and bustle of Café Du Monde and experience good coffee with a neighborhood feel, drop in on a CC’s. If national coffee chains had soul, free high speed Internet and 17,000 less locations you would something like CC’s. The Poydras location feels a little less homey (and the baked goods a little more stale) so grab a newspaper and head to the Esplanade shop.
11:30 AM / Coulis (3625 Prytania Street, Touro): When I was 17, I once ate 9 omelets in 7 days. That’s what happens when you have access to complimentary breakfast in Hilton Head, SC and the metabolism of a teenager. None of those nine omelets (nor any I’ve eaten since) can hold a whisk to the one I ate a Coulis. Perfectly cooked with fresh mushrooms. And the potatoes are award-winning. Good coffee. The only thing that would have made this breakfast align more magically was if Dave Coulier was reading the newspaper next to me.
7:24 PM / Mister B’s Bistro (201 Royal Street, French Quarter): I’ve grabbed a quiet meal to myself at the bar two years running at Mister B’s. Always meet interesting people. Mister B’s is the ideal destination for the solo traveler looking for a really good meal and some new friends. For a meal, I went with the cup of gumbo (comes with fresh bread in a white paper bag) and for a new friend, I turned to my left to meet the chef of a Seattle restaurant on a New Orleans tasting mission. Unless you are at the bar, you are a little out of place without a jacket. First class service with first class clientele.
9:45 PM / Garden District Pub (1916 Magazine Street, Lower Garden District): Would you go here if your friend was not the bartender? Probably not but mine is so I dropped by to meet up with fellow alumni. Comfortable and relaxing pub plus you can’t argue with their jukebox deal of three songs for a buck.
Check back later for all of the other places hit including Dooky Chase, Pravda, HerbSaint and Clover Street Grill.
After the appetizers, the most anticipated moment of the evening is the best man speech. I love a good speech. Actually, if I had my druthers, I would be eating appetizers while listening to the best man speech. Combine your passions whenever possible.
When you think about a wedding, everything is planned and coordinated way in advance - venue, caterer, flowers, minister, bridesmaid dresses, centerpieces, etc; so it's amazing that a guy could spend less time working on his best man speech than it took him to get dressed that morning. How can you not have written this down? How can you not have practiced in the mirror? Are you actually aware that their are grandparents and great aunts in attendance?
I feel like the success rate of a good best man speech is one out of three. I would say my cousin's best man (his brother, also making him my cousin) fell into the successful category, but he also didn't go for a very high degree of difficulty. The East German side of the family was not all together impressed.
Hearing a best man speech always takes me back to other best man speeches. They usually fall flat for failure to adhere to the unwritten rules of winning over wedding guests -
1. Tap the champagne glass with a knife, don't have the DJ introduce you. Call me superstitious but I don't want the DJ involved in any aspect of the best man speech including introducing the best man. At my cousin's wedding, the DJ goes "And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Larry to deliver his best man speech..." He might as well be announcing that Larry is going to pitch a perfect game before he's even gotten on the mound. The only intro a best man needs is metal tapping crystal.
2. Your opener is everything, be simple, gracious and drape the bride's family in praise. The best best man speech I've ever heard in my life was great because of it's simple, ingenius opening. He was the married, older brother of a friend from college (by the way, you are ALWAYS in better hands with a married man giving the best man speech) and his opening: "I'm Fred's older brother and we are honored and thankful to be joined by you all this evening, I want to share a few thoughts about my brother but before I begin I just want to say how happy I am that my brother found Jody. If you spend just five minutes with her Mom, you will understand where she gets her grace, compassion and charm from, and if get a few minutes with her Dad, you will understand where she gets her work ethic, selflessness and loyalty." On a scale of 1-10, that's a 22 as an opener. This guy should be teaching a class. Unlike other areas of life, the earlier you can make women cry, the better off you will be during a best man speech. He could have gone on to tell about the time Fred walked around bottomless in Cabo for 27 hours wearing a Hartford Whalers jersey and no one would have remembered because he nailed that opening. Which bring us to...
3. No allusions to embarrassing behavior or vacation highlights from Mexico. Rarely does a best man actually share the stories but there always seems to be the passing reference about "I could tell you about all his embarrassing stories..." Ha ha. Why even mention? There is a reason Aaron Sorkin does not write adult film screenplays. He has a higher calling and purpose just like the best man. You can't try to pull-off "meaningful and heartfelt" and then dangle "I could get you divorced before we cut the cake".
4. No pop culture or movie references. These will bomb no matter how good you think the reference is. Next time you are out to breakfast order a glass of red wine with your belgian waffle and then pay close attention to the look on the waiter's face. That's how guests will be looking at you if you make a movie or pop culture reference during a toast. My Uncle Frank was the best man for his best friend from high school and he pulled out a memorable line from Back to the Future - "She was his density. I mean his destiny." Crickets. If only he had a DeLorean to go back in time and set the dash to 7:15 pm, September 16, 1988, Coastline Ballroom, Cherry Hill, NJ.
5. You're best off coming from the heart. Owen Wilson is right. At my cousin's wedding two weekends ago, the best man (his brother) delivered a short, short speech that went perfectly with the short, short ceremony. He introduced himself as the brother (good that we know who you are) and says he's nervous (everyone claps to give him encouragement). Then he dug down and went for the ole if a=b and b=c, then a=c transitory property of brotherly love - "I love my brother, he knows I love him, I do love you, and I know how much he loves Angela, so that's how I know I love her too."
That's it. And you know what? I would say it's perfect. He didn't try to do to much and he stayed true to the spirit of the toast - let the bride and groom know there is love all around and it starts with the best man.
Well, on second thought, maybe this guide won't touch so much on how to make friends since if you have praline bacon, bouchin balls, grits, and Abita Amber, you really have all the friends you will ever need while in New Orleans. (Just to be clear Abita Amber is a local brew, but one could easily believe there are a few dames in the South named Abita Amber given the affinity for this brew). Kyle Wedberg '97, President of the New Orleans Center for Creative Arts and New Orleans resident, says that one of the most important acts of public service a visitor can do is share their experience about New Orleans with others. And food is a big part of the New Orleans experience. What follows is a Q2Q style list of good eats the alumni team investigated during our 3rd Annual Alumni Service Weekend:
9:02 AM / Tuesday, Jan 13 - Starbucks/Dunkin Donuts at Terminal D / Logan Airport: Okay, not traditional Nawlins fare I realize (I actually didn't even get there yet), but the trip started out with me buying a starbucks coffee and then stumbling upon a Dunkin Donuts where I stopped off for a breakfast sandwich. The DD cashier called me out on my hybrid breakfast. She's right, it was wrong. I made no friends here.
10:47 PM / Wednesday, Jan 14 - Left-overs from Jacques-Imo's at alum's house (Gentilly): I did eat between Tuesday morning and Wednesday evening but this is where I'm picking back up; remember this is a partially complete eating guide. I ate the guiltiest meal of my trip - not because of calorie intake; because my host had brought back a $25 meal from a great restaurant (country fried venison) and told me if I hadn't eaten yet, I'm welcome to it. So I welcomed myself to it. But not before feeling immense guilt during the walk of shame in that 3.5 feet from the refrigerator to the microwave. Good thing he's already a good friend and I'm sending him a gift certificate as restitution.
11:30 PM / Thursday, Jan. 15 - Drink at the LaFitte's Blacksmith (French Quarter): Oldest bar in America, need more be said? A litte more, yes. Order the local brew Abita Amber and then find a stool on the piano and listen to Mike Hood play songs that sound familiar but you never heard before.
9:32 AM / Friday, Jan 16 - Pancake Puppies at Denny's (Kenner, near the MSY Airport): I never gave much thought to the concept of the breakfast appetizer, but leave it to the entrepreneurial chefs at Denny's to come up with the Pancake Puppy. It's genius. Take pancake batter and deep fry it into a ball, serve 'em hot in a milkshake glass for presentation points. Here's something you never hear in a Denny's - "Waitress, please send out your chef so I may shake his hand." And if you were in the Denny's in Kenner, LA at half past 9 in the morning you still wouldn't have heard it, but I did think it.
8:05 PM / Friday, Jan 16 - Fried everything at Deanie's Seafood (French Quarter): Interesting first impression you notice about Deanie's, they give you vibrator gadgets that theoretically would be used when your party is ready to be seated but they shout your name when it actually is. Caught between the new technology and the old way of doing things. I can respect that. You have to love seafood to go here - they make that obvious by offering one steak and once chicken option (even their salad portions suggest meat in them). We started off with charbroiled oysters - which are a must for a true New Orleans experience. I treated my half dozen plate like I was the Karate Kid and they were the Kobra Kai - they are richer than me (loaded with parmesan), from a different part of town than me (they come from oceanfront property and I'm from NJ), and are usually seen with better looking women, but in the end, they are all gone down. Ultimately, I saved the Crane Kick for the Crab Quartet which suffered a devastating defeat at the hands of this 138 pound man. And, yes, that whole metaphor was a reason for me to include this video:
The final call on Deanie's - great choice for any group, especially if you are on vacation with your grandparents (you know, because grandparents love fried everything and are caught between the old and new ways of the world).
8:45 AM / Saturday, Jan 17 - Cafe Au Lait and Beignets at Cafe Du Monde (French Market): It's a big tourist trap, but sometimes it's worth to be caught in a trap and Cafe Du Monde is such a place. Word to the tourist - this place is cash only, good thing for you there are hundreds of ATMs all over willing to charge you $3 a transaction. Order a medium cafe au lait, a plate of beignets (come in three with three inches of powdered sugar), run up the steps of Washington Artillery Park, and shout "I'm King of the World" while looking at St. Louis Cathedral. I bet St. Louis King of France never thought to do this and he probably regrets it.
6:35 PM / Saturday, Jan 17 - Cajun Cookin at Praline Connection (Frenchman Street): Praline Connection is worthy of a "last meal" request. Not only because it's delicious, but also it's very moderately priced which is fiscally prudent given state budgets. You must order the fried pickles and the alligator sausage as appetizers. Don't argue, just do it. Then, consider everything you get with the taste of soul platter ($19.95) - a cup of gumbo (which will always remind me of the City Year video), bbq ribs, fried catfish, fried chicken, colored greens, rice and beans, and bread pudding for dessert. You know what else you can get for $19.95 in our economy? A flashlight that doesn't work. I would argue this is the best under $20 deal in the United States today.
10:30 AM / Sunday, Jan 18 - Brunch at Elizabeth's (Bywater): This spot was highly recommended to us by Michelle Regan and Kyle Wedberg '97 - considering they married each other, you know they must have impeccable taste. They joined us for brunch and one of their first suggestions was praline bacon. If you never thought it was possible for bacon to be more flavorful than it already is, you've never been to a New Orleans brunch. Praline bacon - think bacon with brown sugar melted on top of it. If you really want to unbotton your pants, wash that down with bouchin balls - the scrapple of the south. Waitstaff is really attentive and they fully believe in coffee refills on demand - they saw empty cups coming a hallway away. This place is a must for all breakfast lovers.
6:45 PM / Monday, Jan 19 - Pimm's Cups and Appetizers at Herbsaint (Lafayette Square): Damon called to try to reserve all their seats at the bar (poor form we admit but at least we gave a head's up). When we showed up and saw no one sitting at the bar, we pretty much implemented our vision from our call ahead. We needed the perfect drink to toast the successful day of service and found it in the Pimm's Cup - Pimm's gin, lemon lime soda, and a cucumber slice. This drink could turn an atheist into an agnostic, and by the second, a full believer. Pair the Pimm's Cup with some delectable small plates of olive oil seared gnocchis, fried frog legs and french fries with Pimenton Aioli and you won't be sorry.
9:15 PM / Monday, Jan 19 - The meal of the decade at Jacques-Imo's (Uptown): You know you've been to way too many Italian restaurants in your life when you try to google "Giacomos new orleans restaurant" and you are really searching for this uptown neighborhood gem. According to its web site, Jacques-Imo's "embraces and interprets the New Orleans funky psyche in a way that is fetching to both tourists and locals alike." It's known for it's alligator cheesecake which is served as an appetizer - it's good but the alligator sausage at Praline Connection is preferable choice. Their entree options are like the '86 Celtics - future Hall of Famer at pretty much every position no matter if you go seafood, chicken, game bird, venison, or beef. The bite of the night was venison layered delicately on top of the sweet potato mash. A few proclaimed this was "the best meal of their life." I'm not sure if that was the Pimm's gin talking or not, but the locals absolutely love this place and that's how you know it's good.
12:37 PM / Tuesday, Jan 20 - BBQ at The Joint (Bywater): There really couldn't be a better way to close out 43's term than by ordering the "W special" at the Joint. It's a hole-in-the-wall kind of place and that's a sure fire sign there's great bbq. They smoke everything in the backyard. The W comes with a near Mount Rushmore of meat - bbq ribs, pulled pork, and beef brisket. If you only had one hour in New Orleans, I would tell you to eat a beignet and then get yourself to the Joint - it's that good.
6:00 PM / Tuesday, Jan 20 - Pimm's Cup at Napolean House (French Quarter): Another great stop for a cocktail is Napolean House where the bartender is likely to have known Napolean. Each shift comes with a silver-streaked gent who will make you a drink and tell you a story.
8:00 PM / Tuesday, Jan 20 - Double Meat sandwich at Mother's (Poydras St.): It's not called the Double Meat, but that's how I will think of it. Ever have ham layered on top of roast beef? No, make that roast beef layered on top of ham. Ever had that? Go to Mother's just to say you did.
12:45 PM / Wednesday, Jan 21 - The one bar in the JetBlue terminal at MSY: I ate one of those chicken ceasar salads where I questioned the chickenness of each bite. Definitely not in New Orleans any more, but leaving with great memories and many new friends.
Stone Soup Sweet Wednesday isn’t the only community building initiative in town. Last year, Nicole Quinlan and a small, dedicated group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th floor idealists founded the Winter Sports Club. The first activity was tubing which led to one of our founding club members being thrown off the property for violating the rules of tubing. I didn’t attend the first activity, but even if I had I wouldn’t go into more detail than that. Being secretive about clubs is the best way to swell membership demand.
One club that is not trying to be secretive is the Broomstones Club of Wayland. It’s fall in New England and that means one thing for the Broomstones – open houses to woo the next generation of curlers.
Broomstones is no joke and I know that because it has it’s own Wikipedia entry. According to Wiki, Broomstones “was established in 1968, the result of a merger between three Boston-area curling clubs. Members of the Brae Burn, Wellesley and Weston country clubs had been renting ice from The Country Club, and wanted to have their own ice.” Maybe not the historical significance of Shay’s Rebellion, but it’s the kind of uprising that would make the founding fathers of curling proud.
Last Friday, the Winter Sports Club kicked off its season with a sport that really can only be understood in relation to other sports because it makes no sense on its own. It’s like bowling meets shuffleboard meets a chess match on ice with baseball scoring. If you are confused take solace in the fact that it is tradition for the winning team to buy the losing team a round of beer.
Upon arriving, we are greeted by several members who seemed very pleased by the turn-out. After signing life and limb away on an application, we are led by Herb, a twenty-year member of the club, upstairs for the civic engagement portion of the open house. Now I know how Serve-a-thon participants feel during morning program – “I just want to paint a wall!” With all this talk of teamwork, 44lb stones, and sweeping, I’m ready to hit the ice.
In my 20 minutes on the ice, I quickly discovered I love throwing and I hate sweeping. The throwing part (called the “delivery”) involves putting your foot in a starting block, steadying your left hand on your broom and gripping the stone with your right hand, and then gently curling the stone down 146 feet of ice toward the target zone (known as the “house”). Fun doesn’t begin to describe how great throwing is.
The sweeping part involves two people (the “sweepers”) bending really low to the ice on your broom and sweeping feverishly in front of the stone for 22-24 seconds (the average time it takes for a stone to reach the house). Imagine being asked to rake leaves that aren’t there really aggressively and you’ll understand why I looked up at the instructor with eyes that pleaded “Is this really necessary?”
The fourth member of the team, known as the skip, takes position at the other end of the ice and calls for where he would like the stone to end up. The skip has the best job because he sets strategy, throws two stones, but never has to sweep.
After all four players on each team throw two stones, you tally the points. Whichever team has the most stones closer to the middle of the house (known as the “button”), wins that many points for that “end” (like an inning in baseball). There are 8 or 10 ends in a game.
We stepped off the ice and back into the clubhouse lodge for a feast fit for amateur curler players who have yet to pay dues. We came. We curled. I’m not sure we conquered but we did enjoy a nice meatball sandwich, hot cider, and good company. In the end, that’s what winter is all about.
Tom Cruise may still be too young to portray Michael Corleone in a remake of the Godfather, but that's not stopping him from accepting the role of a lifetime.
ShowbizSpy.com reports that Tom Cruise has agreed to be the godfather of J-Lo and Marc Anthony's newborn twins. You can argue that you won't read a stranger sentence than that last one all year.
You may recall that I thoroughly investigated the role of godfather last year, and according to the Church, Tom seems to fail the Godfather Acceptance Exam: In order to be a sponsor, the person must be: (1) baptized, (2) completed 16th year, and (3) a Catholic who has received the sacraments of Holy Eucharist and Confirmation, and leads a "life in harmony with the faith and role to be undertaken." A sponsor shall be disqualified if the (4) chosen does not practice the faith by regularly attending Mass or is (5) Antagonistic to the faith - has attitude "I am a Catholic, but..."
That's a 1 out of 5 for Tom on the test, which incidentally is his box office success rate these days. Ever the compromiser, Jennifer Lopez insisted and ultimately over-ruled husband Marc's objections to having Tom be the godfather, despite the fact that both she and hubby are Catholic.
Forget the Scientologist as Godfather debate for a minute, the role of Godfather has devolved from a spiritual guidance job in mainstream America any way. My godfather test has two questions on it. This is the criteria by which Tom should be judged and the reasons by which Marc should be upset:
1. Will you send my kids $50 each on their birthday and key milestone events like graduation? This is the bear minimum you are committing to as a godfather. Extreme wealth aside, doesn't Tom Cruise seem like the kind of godfather who would give his godchildren socks? Or would give a waitress an autographed Color of Money headshot instead of a big tip? That's not the kind of a guy I want hanging around my kids.
2. Will you do anything in public that will get my kid made fun or, or otherwise make him scared to be in your presence? Let's look at his overall level of sanity. He jumps on Oprah's couch and left Nicole Kidman. That's more than just poor manners; that's two strikes against him on this test. As soon as he or she is old enough to have friends over the house, you know one of them will start with the teasing and jumping on the couch, saying, "Look how high I can get? Seriously, look how high". Who needs that?
Tailgates are to men what weddings are to women. Serious planning, getting the right outfit, open bar, and a guy may even bring two pairs of shoes for the occasion. The most important element: good stories and recycled jokes. A man's story and a woman's dress are pretty much the same in that it's how we relate to each other. A big difference is that a man can get away with telling the same joke in a different way more than a woman can wear a different belt with the same dress.
Without a further ado, here's how to succeed in conversation at your next tailgate:
1. Share legendary stories that took place while at another tailgate. I'll never forget it. November 1, 2003. That's All Saints Day, you know. Anyway, Notre Dame Stadium parking lot, minutes before the kick-off between the Fighting Irish vs. Florida State. I have yet to secure my ticket. My friend Fred says he has it taken care of. The next thing I know, I'm being offered a beer and a ticket in the student section by the grandson of legendary ND Football coach Ara Parseghian. That's like getting guitar lessons from Jimi Hendrix lineage. After the telling of the story, it's usually met with "Ara Par-seee-gian? Ara Par-seee-gian?" in between bites of sausages and peppers.
2. Say that the Karate Kid is an important film. Sometimes that's all you need to say and everyone will nod and move on. The Karate Kid is more than just a classic 80s tale of a fish-out-of water Jersey kid befriending a wise old man who teaches him about life and love through the lessons of karate. It's also more than just Elizabeth Shue stealing the movie anytime she wears a White Cord sweater. It's a good deal about that, but it's much more.
Ultimately, it's about war and how life experiences shape philosophy and attitude. The two main characters are really Mr. Miyagi (product of a just war/WWII) and Sensei John Kreese (product of an unjust war/Vietnam). Their experiences influence their teaching philosophy and affects how their students learn about karate. And that's as deep as the analysis gets - the bbq chicken is usually ready by this point in the conversation. [Aside: This is a brilliant Where Are They Now and What Could Have Been video for the Kobra Kai:]
3. Repeat lines from Fletch or Caddyshack and recalling times when you perfectly fit a line into real life scenario. They say life comes down to a few key moments. Well, there are only a few key moments in life when a Chevy Chase line is so perfectly applicable to the situation, that one must watch Fletch and Caddyshack at least 87 times to fully ensure that the right line is on the tip of the tongue.
Most importantly, and it's hard to plan for, but you really need a male eye witness to attest to how perfectly the line was dropped. Kind of like a hole in one. Now, most women don't understand Chevy Chase's appeal or his humor, so one could question why a guy would utter a Chase line in mixed company. It's sorta like how women dress for other women to notice, that's exactly why I guy would drop a Fletch quote - it's for other men to appreciate.
Well, summer in between sophomore and junior year, Tom Grasso and I go to visit an RA friend of his in the dorms and low and behold she answers the door in a towel. I can't believe my good fortune and I'm ready with "Do you mind if I borrow your towel, my car just hit a water buffalo." No response from her, but I still remember Tom laughing for the next ten minutes.
I considered my life almost fully accomplished at that point.
Coach. Duke. Captain. Doctor. King. Knight. Idealist. They're all fine titles, but to be honest, they don't do much for me. If all of those honorary distinctions of valour and wit were lined up on a chess board, they would all be afraid of getting whacked by the Godfather - the ultimate honor every man aspires to attain. As of this past Sunday, I'm proud to officially commence my pinky ring shopping. Two friends recently welcomed a little man into their life and I was asked to be the godfather. It was a proud moment.
However, I am concerned that I will not be deemed a good Catholic in the eyes of the church. Getting issued a sponsor certificate from the church could prove to be a difficult hurdle. There are few things more humiliating in life than getting the thin envelope from the Boston Archdiocese.
When the Catholic Church says godfathers should provide spiritual guidance, I don't think it means leave the gun, take the cannoli. Upon being granted the role of a lifetime, I did what any lapse Catholic would do to fully understand his commitment as a spiritual counselor, I googled it.
- completed 16th year (hey, I'm acing this test so far)
- Catholic who has received the sacraments of Holy Eucharist and Confirmation, and leads a "life in harmony with the faith and role to be undertaken." (Well, I can answer "True" to the sacraments. If I'm allowed to answer the third part in essay form, I might be able to get partial credit.)
A sponsor shall be disqualified if:
- Antagonistic to the faith - has attitude "I am a Catholic, but..." (Damn. I've started almost every sentence that way in reference to the Church for the last 10 years.)
- the chosen does not practice the faith by regularly attending Mass (this test is taking a turn for the worse, kind of like when Corey Haim got the hydroplane question wrong on the Motor Vehicles exam in License to Drive.)
I need a plan. I may try to argue for a weighted average of "living in harmony with the faith" afterall, I went to Catholic school from elementary through college, and that's got to count for something.
If scholar Robert Putnam would describe bowling alone as the antithesis of alumni networking, how would he describe the alumni community of a bowling league?
Last Thursday, while visiting my family in NJ, I went back to my old bowling league - my first civic membership as a 17 year-old - to see the guys I left behind when I moved to Boston. With four years being recognized as the standard for proving proficiency - elementary school, junior high, high school, college, presidential term - what does it say about your learning curve if it takes you six years? Well, if you are a bowler in the St. Anthony's Men League in Cherry Hill, NJ, it makes you a prodigy.
For many guys, this league has been a weekly institution for the last 10, 20, or 30 years; a place that comes without a rite a passage, no corridor into the future, just frames that connect the past and present. A bowling league is the exact opposite of a high school class - over time, the people stay the same, only the physical structure changes. With new computer technology and upgraded seating, I almost didn't recognize the place until I saw Chris - same haircut, same ugly bowling shirt, same beer.
"Man, they'll let anyone in here. Seanie, what are you doing here?" Same bad jokes with the same South Jersey accent. I've been transported back to a conversation from 1997. One by one, I shook hands with Freddy, Joey, Bobby, and Eddie - in addition to initialized team bowling shirts, everyone gets a variation of their first name.
"Seanie, how's teaching in Bahston?" Unfortunately, that bowling code of conduct still applies to me. I don't have the heart or the stamina for civic engagement to tell these guys I haven't taught in four years - and even when I was teaching I wasn't really teaching. The guys that know me slightly better know that my current career falls somewhere between the Peace Corps and a nice thing.
"Seanie, when are you moving back to Jersey?," asks Joey, my teammate of four years, "The guys miss you."
"Joey," I say, "I'll be back when you make a 7-pin with some regularity. Or when the Phillies win a World Series. Whichever miracle happens first."
With every visit home, it becomes clear that South Jersey is no longer that. However, I didn't know how I would feel about bowling until I watched a game pass from the bench seats. It felt like showing up to a service day with no slots available. With most things in life, there seems to be an age when you outgrow the experience. Perhaps bowling and service are the two notable exceptions.
There's something about attending the senior recital of a Rhodes Scholar that makes you feel so unaccomplished in life.
Having spent the previous five days in Durham and Chapel Hill, NC playing golf, drinking gallons of sweet tea, and enjoying the gorgeous spring weather, on Sunday I accompanied my friend to the Nelson Music Room at Duke University for the senior violin recital of her friend.
A wise man once said, "if a colleague is a late for a meeting it gives you time to reflect on his shortcomings; if the same colleague is late for a second meeting, it gives you time to reflect on your own."
Somewhere between the first and second movement of Bazzini's La Ronde des Lutins, I realized that I had not sucked all of the marrow out of life. I began reflecting on all the wasted hours of my youth playing video games when I could have spent the time learning an instrument. Clarinet. Cello. Piano. Whatever. Something to call a talent other than taking the Sharks to the Cup in NHL '94. Slouching in my second row chair I progressed through the three stages of recital envy:
Stage 1: Self-Doubt - "I'm not good at anything."
Stage 2: Blame - "I'm not good at anything and it's your fault, Dad, for not putting a violin in my hands at 18 months."
Stage 3: Competition - "You know, I bet I can parallel park better than him."
The longer I listened and watched Rahul play the violin, the more I was in awe of how he, the violin, and the music seemed to move as one. The beautiful rhythm registered through his rapid eye movements. Passion that intense is a rare sight to behold. Rarer still is a Rhodes Scholar who can parallel park.
National service does a lot of great things through public service. We tutor elementary and middle school students. We beautify and transform schools, parks, and neighborhoods. We civically engage companies to invest in youth leadership and their communities. We develop thousands of leaders every year who are change makers in all sectors the world over. However, I think we may be selling ourselves short. At 10:45 am, one of the greatest volunteer opportunities that can befall a young man, befell me.
For the newbies at HQ and Boston, your favorite youth leadership program used to have a formal service partnership with the Red Cross* in the mid to late 90s. After my experience this afternoon, I think it's time we re-visited the partnership. The Red Cross runs a Nurse Practitioner Program on the 6th Floor. Today was a big test for 12 young idealists looking to make a difference in the lives of their patients. One small problem: no actor to be their patient.
A group of 6 distraught young ladies (and for the purposes of accuracy and good story-telling, they were also very attractive) came down to the 5th floor in desperate search of an actor/patient to help them with their nursing test. It would start in 10 minutes. Once she passed, she could be the patient for the other nurses. It would only take 15 minutes, but they couldn't begin the test without a volunteer. Would they know anyone who could help? How could I say no? I am a public servant. Please, it's what I do.
When we made it up to the 6th floor, I was greeted like a hero by the other 6 soon-to-be nurses. My character was Mr. Jones and I had a bed-ridden condition. Until I actually met the Nurse who was administering the exam, I thought this was a great prank cooked up by Dan in HR. After the initial exchange of warm greetings, the nurse checked my pulse, continually asked if I was comfortable, and then did a few arm exercises. I am happy to report that my nurse PASSED and I have set a ripple into motion that will allow 11 others to become certified nurse assistants. I have tears in my eyes as I write this.
So the big question that remains is - How often is the Nursing Test administered and how can we formalize a service partnership? Think about all of the good we could be doing in helping the next generation of young nurses reach their passion in life. Isn't this what public service should be? People helping people.
Stone Soup Sweet Wednesday is the breakfast version of going out for an after-work drink with co-workers. That does NOT mean putting Irish Whiskey in your coffee. It is a community-building initiative and a great way for departments to promote goodwill in the organization. Each Wednesday morning (many times sponsored by a department), we gather for baked goods (store-bought or homemade) and cordial conversation. Bring a baked good or a friend. Eat a baked good or make a new friend. Leave your baked friends at home. No pressure to attend, but all the cool people come.
2009 Stoney Award Winners
Mug of Idealism: Single Men of City Year's Leaders Palace
People's Choice Award: Care Force Cowboy Breakfast
Spirit of Community: CYB Senior Corps Seussical Stone Soup
Most Creative: DEVO's Michael O'Brown's Pub
Best Food: Care Force Cowboy Breakfast
Best Party Atmosphere: HQ Comm's Happy Birthday City Year / Ripples
The first thing I noticed when Tiger Woods stepped from behind the blue curtain at PGA Headquarters on Friday morning, to make his first public address in more than two months, was "He's not wearing a tie." I have had an appreciation for the tie since I spent 4 straight hours teaching myself how to tie a perfect double windsor knot from a "How to Tie a Tie" pamphlet back in freshman year of high school. (Yes, that's a true story. And I still have that pamphlet.) However, I have yet to read a pamphlet, manual or bumper sticker that instructs a man when to wear a tie and when to go more casual with an open button. Why exactly don't they teach these things in school?
