The Last Dragon Reaches the Final Level

Last Dragon pitch meeting: “Okay, think a black Karate Kid with a Bruce Lee obsession and the soul of Gandhi on a journey of self discovery to become a kung fu master and in the process overthrows an arcade mogul/mob boss and a more colorful Johnny Lawrence-like villain – think Attila the Hun meets Roddy Piper, except he’s going to be a black guy too; his Kobra Kai sidekicks will be like MTV veejays in combat fatigues. Are you with me so far? It gets better."

"Okay, set against this backdrop, we’re going to launch the careers of the next Cindi Lauper and Lionel Ritchie – you are going to love ‘em – through a music video dance show. Think Solid Gold. The tie-in? The host of the show gets kidnapped by the arcade mogul and is the black Karate Kid’s love interest. What do you think? Am I doing you a favor, or am I doing you a favor?"

Studio head: “I don’t know, I’m about to greenlight a picture called No Retreat, No Surrender about some kid with a Bruce Lee obsession who takes on some French karate champion. Jean Claude something. Hmm. Black Karate Kid, huh? Okay, but keep the budget under ten million.”

1985. What a golden era for screenwriters with a martial arts-centric storyline. If you invested four hours and watched any Bruce Lee film and the Karate Kid, and you had some creative writing ability, you could sell a karate movie in 8 minutes to Hollywood.

The genius of Berry Gordon’s Last Dragon is its ambition and vision to combine karate and mo-town hip hop while simultaneously trying to launch acting careers and new albums from Prince protégés. You can argue its grasp didn't match its reach, but strip the Last Dragon of its ambition and it simply becomes every other martial arts movie riding the Karate Kid wake.

When you look at the combined thespian experience of the two lead actors – Taimak and Vanity – then you realize what a big gamble Director Michael Schultz took.

Taimak, who plays Bruce Leroy, solemn student in search of karate’s golden glow (like “He’s on Fire!” in NBA Jam), is a real-life martial artist with zero acting experience when discovered by a casting director at age 19. When you think about the prospect of teaching Alfonso Ribeiro karate or finding a black martial artist with a theatre background, the more you realize Taimak was born for this role.

Singer-soloist Vanity, discovered and mentored by Prince (You have to respect the “mentoring” relationships of Prince. How many pop icons are selfless enough to mentor a protege, provide singing lessons and invent cool stage names along with sexual encounters?) had several singles that rose up the Hot Dance Club Play charts such as “Pretty Mess” and “Under the Influence” in 1985. Vanity somehow managed to parlay her dance club notoriety into the love interest of Leroy despite only three small acting credits. She plays Laura Charles, host of 7th Heaven, a soulful American Bandstand and same name as a single off the Last Dragon motion picture soundtrack. 

In the case of Taimak, the gamble paid off. Vanity? Well, let’s just say cocaine didn’t elevate the play of every star in the 80s.

Best Coke Performance of 1985.....and......the Worst Performance
Doc, Mets, 24-4, 1.53 ERA .......................Vanity, 7th Heaven

The first 15 minutes of the film has several nods to the Karate Kid and immediately makes a statement that Daniel LaRusso is a wimp compared to Bruce Leroy. The opening is an action sequence where Leroy is practicing kicks and techniques with a cut-aways to clicking chopsticks. As Mr. Miyagi said “Man catch fly with chopsticks accomplish any art.” Leroy has graduated from that stage and is now able to chop flying arrows in mid air with his bare hands while he works out. Yet, even with this impressive feat, he has self-doubt about his martial arts mastery because he has yet to attain the final level - the golden glow. His master outlines the journey ahead of him: the four levels that must be embraced to attain the final level - confusion, vengeance, fear, and love.

Level 1: Confusion
Leroy is constantly confused throughout his journey. Whenever he is in the throws of uncertainty, he finds comfort in old Bruce Lee movies. After leaving his master, he takes in an afternoon showing of "Enter the Dragon" - which is often called the perfect karate movie. Side note: Watch the crowd reaction when Bruce takes on O'Hara; it's like a State of the Union address with each slap of the face an emphatic statement of shared ideals bringing them to their feet clapping.



Questions that remain unanswered:

- Why is Leroy eating popcorn with chopsticks at the movies? Wow, the ambition of this film goes higher and higher with each viewing - seems as if they found a new, creative way to support the stereotype that Chinese people eat everything with chopsticks. And it's a black man re-enforcing the stereotype. The reverse happens at the Sum Dum Goy Fortune Cookie factory when three asian guys break dance and fully embrace hip hop culture with their boombox and see-through mesh shirts. Yes We Can, Berry Gordon. We can all get along and come together if we embrace the universality of karate and hip hop.

- How many different kinds of karate uniforms does Leroy own? And who has formal wear as a subset of their karate wardrobe? He has a silver gi when riding in Laura's mercedes and then is decked out in a white "clubbing" gi with gold piping at the end of the movie. Just like the chopsticks, once again I guess I'll just tip my bamboo hat to the brilliant comedic style points.

- Was Lionel Ritchie really so big that he had emulators? I guess he was. Undoubtedly, one of the truly special moments in this film (especially looking back 24 years later and realizing how much play this song got in the 80s) is when Laura unveils this week's hot dance pick - and "it is HOT!" - DeBarge's "Rhythm of the Night". What do you call DeBarge's haircut? Looks like he's got a three-in-one pompadour jeri curl mullet. Once again we are going split screen for an epic 80s match-up.

If your next haircut had to be one of these two which one would you choose?
DeBarge's pomp jeri curl mullet..or..Lionel's classic perm mullet

Level 2: Vengeance
I don't think anyone is more vengeful in the movies than Bruce Lee with the possible exception of Charles Bronson and Glenn Close. Leroy could teach his mentor a few things about keeping his cool. He only really experiences vengeance when his family's pizza shop is trashed by Sho'nuff. That sets him off. However, vengeance is really best left to the villains in this film - self-proclaimed master Sho'nuff and arcade kingpin Eddie Arkadian.

There are four central acts of vengeance:

1. Sho'nuff vs. everyone in the movie theatre: the me vs. world motif is critical to understanding Bruce Lee as every movie he starred in includes at least one scene that places him in the middle of 60 guys who eventually get their ass kicked. It also epitomizes the WWF's Royal Rumble format. Sho'nuff is so widely beloved as a movie villain because he represents the confidence and the colorful personality of a wrestling heel. His grand entrance is laden with call-and-response to questions like "Am I the baddest?", "Am I the prettiest?", and "Who am I?". Answer: "Sho'nuff". He's defiant in his quest that everyone recognizes him as the master to the point where he rips a chunk of a guy's hair out of his head and blows it off his palm. Just like Piper would do.

2. Sho'nuff vs. tigers: You never see Sho'nuff actually fight a tiger but you know he did. He would never wear anything he didn't kill himself. Just the kind of guy he is. Watch for the tigerskin cummerbund he wears like an Intercontinental Title belt.

3. Sho'nuff vs. the pizza shop: Oldest villain trick in the book - if your foe won't meet you in your lair or a neutral turf, attack his family's business. He chops a table in half, throws a chair threw the front door and kicks out the video juke box when his concentration is broken by Faith Prince ("What is this garbage?")

4. Eddie Arkadian vs. everyone he knows especially his girlfriend: Eddie A is like a harmless Lex Luther. He has a desire to rule the world yet the mastermind business is probably not for you when an arcade, a clumsy heavyweight boxer, and a no-talent girl group is your only management experience. No disrespect to the Shogun of Harlem and his "Kiss my Converse" line, but Eddie delivers the best line in the whole movie. In articulating his plan to convince Laura Charles to play his girlfriend Angela's video "Dirty Boy" on 7th Heaven, he says "I know how to handle these showbiz types, you gotta wine them, dine them, you let 'em order a la carte." That's a great line to trot out to make a woman know what she's missing if she leaves you - "Where are you going? Who lets you order a la carte, baby?" If that doesn't woo her back, go vengeful with this Eddie A gem - "Go ahead, go have a nice, normal boring life."

Level 3: Fear
Bruce Lee always seemed fearful of his own vengeance and the power of his art. Leroy is scared of girls (more on this in Level 4: Love) as well as a mono-a-mono showdown with the Shogun; ultimately scared of reaching the final level and the emptiness associated with its attainment. He reminds me of the salutatorian from my high school.  Not sure where the lack of confidence comes from, the kid can catch a bullet with this teeth.  

Is there a more anticipated movie match-up between two heavyweights than Sho'nuff vs. Bruce Leroy? You can argue LaRusso v. Lawrence is more anticipated, but Cobra Kai wins 9 out of 10 fights.  Purely a fluke and the luck of having an old asian guy silently cheering him on that Daniel won. Whereas I think Sho'nuff wins 3 out of 10 against Leroy in a tournament format. In a street fight, it's pretty much even money.

Scouting report on Leroy:  5'9. 160 lbs. Training diet is rice and pizza. Combines grace and deceptive power with finesse.  Practices craft by beating up hapless henchmen; will hit below the belt but in an artistic way; occasionally loses fights by forfeit due to Bruce Lee movie marathon conflict on Spike.  

Scouting report on the Shogun:  6'2. 205 lbs. Eats lion burger and venison. Combines showmanship with technical prowess and power; wins through intimidation and will fight dirty; likes to give speeches when he fights which sometimes distracts him from finishing.   



Here's a fight that unfortunately didn't live up to the hype.  I loved the fight as a kid, but seems a little anti-climatic twenty five years later. The fight director missed a huge opportunity to choreograph a sequence where each fighter has the golden glow at the same time. We could have been treated to Wilkins vs. Bird, Game 7, 1988 Eastern Conference Semis, answer for answer. Instead we have Leroy pulling a hide-and-seek kick from a swinging chain, Sho'nuff faking a knock-out, Sho'nuff fake drowning Leroy. The whole charade has me waiting for Randy Savage to jump off the dock with a bell to the throat.  This is where it's helpful to remember Julius Carry III (Sho'nuff) would have trouble passing a yellow belt test. (May he rest in peace).

However, when Leroy realizes he is the master and achieves the golden glow, it's still holds true as a top ten 80s chill scene.

Question about the catching the bullet in teeth sequence: Why does Leroy look less scared to face the barrel of a gun than he did when Sho'nuff came through the freight elevator? He's petrified of this guy.  Whereas he waited for Eddie A's bullet like he was re-stepping to the line after a made free throw, asking the ref for the pill. This is where it's helpful to remember Taimak has no acting experience.

(By the way, True or False:  Laura Charles has the shortest dress we've ever seen in a PG-13 movie?) 

Level 4: Love
Bruce Lee always left room for the ladies.  He will avenge your death if you get murdered. He will kiss you when he walks you home. This is Bruce's commitment to you if you are his love interest. Leroy? Super nice guy, but he's a space cadet without a telescope.

This is the 80s and you expect a great love story but I don't know even know what to call what Leroy is attempting with Laura. She's interested.  He's interested in the final level.  Leroy, it's Vanity - she is the final level in the 80s.

Try this confusing scenario:  he rescued her (for the second time in as a many nights) by beating up half a dozen guys, escorts her back to her apartment, she takes her earrings and shoes off, turns on some music and all he can think about is getting his belt buckle back and getting out of there. How about hanging out with her for a bit and making her some tea?  The girl just spent dinner kidnapped. Help her calm down and relax.  

After dropping many hints like "I would like to teach you some

moves, Leroy," Vanity really goes on the offensive and orchestrates the perfect date for a martial arts enthusiast, or any guy for that matter.  She mixes a music video with clips from the Chinese Connection at 7th Heaven.  To put in perspective the extra effort Laura put in to plan this date, it's like a guy re-staging the last scene from Dirty Dancing and having a brand new pair of Manolos for his date to dance in at the ready.  

Translation: she really really likes you.  How does Leroy respond? He goes into his own little world practicing moves and making karate noises while Laura is hanging off to the side like the fat chick at a frat party. Once Bruce inspires him to finally kiss Laura, he has to run off on his journey of self discovery. Blackbelts and Rhodes Scholars - they always have somewhere better to be.

Another random Laura Charles question:  has anyone been kidnapped more times in a movie? By the time Leroy goes back to 7th Heaven for the final showdown, Laura is on her third kidnapping. What is wrong with the producers of 7th Heaven, her agent, her pilates instructor? Leroy can't be with her 24 hours a day.  How do they not insist she has two body guards at all times?!  She's the host of 7th Heaven, damnit, which is a little like being Vanessa Minnillo today.

And another:  Have you ever met an unattractive woman who has a guy's first name as her last name?  Think about.  You won't come up with one.  Laura Charles. Bo Derek. Mariah Carey. Mercedes Lane.  

The last scene of this movie is one of the top 10 all-time 80s scenes for unintentional comedy. A man who possesses the golden glow must also possess a killer clubbing outfit.  After destroying Sho'nuff and dethroning the arcade empire of Eddie A, he goes home, gets cleaned up and breaks out the white tuxedo gi with gold trim and gold belt.  Good thing for him he got the memo that tonight is a Diddy White party at 7th Heaven. 

He shows up with a bouquet of flowers and tries to get Laura's attention, finally blurting out "Can you teach me some moves?" She comes running down the stairs and then...he throws the bouquet over his shoulder like he's a bride at a wedding.  What?! He then kisses her like she's his sister. There you have it, two really attractive people give us the most awkward movie romance of 1985 and yet somehow strangely fulfilling.  

As his master told him when he embarked on his journey, the final level is "a return to the beginning" where "a new emptiness" waits to be filled.  In a way, it's like he's sharing his wisdom with everyone born between 1974-1981, those who return to their beginning to watch the classics of their childhood, to fill a void which movies of today do not, and cannot, aspire. 

Not sure I'm ready to look to that one place that can embrace confusion, fear, vengeance and love, but until I am, the Last Dragon is my master.

Teen Wolf Review: A 'Win in the End'

Michael J. Fox characters had many curious triumphs in the 80s – bringing a briefcase into a public school and not get beaten up, rallying a science fiction reader and avid chocolate milk drinker to score a young Lea Thompson, and hooking up with Super Girl, taking his aunt as a lover, en route to a corporate take-over of a Fortune 500 company.

None more improbable than 5’2 Scott Howard leading the Beavers to a regional basketball title, first as Teen Wolf, and then as himself. The belief in yourself, overcoming awkward teen angst, rising up against the bully with the perfect girlfriend motif is the hallmark of this era in filmmaking.

Scott is average in every way – starting point guard for a terrible team, six dollar haircut, best friends with a tomboy and a scheming metro-sexual entrepreneur (they existed in the 80s?), ignored by the hot girl, works part time at a hardware store – except for a genetic mutation that turns him in a werewolf when he gets worked up.

Most werewolves are anti-social, anti-establishment but Fox’s wolf wins over the students, teachers, teammates and coach with his charm, basketball IQ, and high-flying dunks. Wait? You mean, you can score the rock and won’t eat us? Ref, blow the whistle and let’s get on with it so we can see if this kid is the second coming of Bernard King (which he inexplicably does 90 seconds after watching Scott grow full body hair scrapping for a loose ball. No officials huddle to discuss “Werewolf eligibility”? First of many times the refs lose control of a game).

The cast is divided into three camps – the ones who love the wolf, the ones who are taking a wait-and-see approach, and the ones who are trying to take the wolf down:

Love the wolf:

• Stiles – think the opportunism and charisma of Zach Morris with the mixed wardrobe of the younger brother from Who’s the Boss and Blutoski of Animal House. Exactly. Where the hell did this guy come from? Question: would you buy a “I Love the Wolf” t-shirt from a guy wearing a “What are you looking at dicknose?” t-shirt with turquoise pants? Would you buy anything from him? Yes, you might – that’s what great charisma does.

• Coach Finstock – a well-cast, campy, anti-Norman Dale coach who never patrols the sidelines or disciplines his players. Sorry, but you need to do one or the other when you lose a game 71-12. Clearly just collecting a teacher’s bonus stipend here for agreeing to coach this pathetic squad. Interestingly, he doesn’t seem to really care that he has a once-in-a-lifetime phenom in the wolf. He’s living to catch the 5th Race at Santa Anita each afternoon (look for the perfectly placed Santa Anita calendar over his left shoulder in his office). Although harder to find better advice than “never play cards against a guy with the same first name as a city”.

• Pamela Wells – looking strikingly similar to Anna Nicole Smith circa the old oil tycoon billionaire (may she rest in peace). Technically, she’s so fickle she belongs in all three categories – in the end, she just loves winners. She’s pretty but the question I’m asking myself throughout this movie is ‘Is she up to the task of being the object of desire to the greatest movie icon of the 80s?’ No. Other than the dressing room scene, which admittedly she has a great naked back and it probably won Lorie Griffin the part, what does she bring to the table? Boof out dresses her much of this movie (look for Pamela’s hideous yellow outfit mid way through the movie), kisses better than her, sharper and wittier and if you put them side by side today, I’m willing to bet is the more desirable woman.

• Kirk / Theatre Director – somehow getting away with directing a play with only one character without giving off sexual predator vibes to administration. One character? You have to question the motivation of a theatre director who believes the soliloquy can carry an entire play. As just discussed, Pamela is no Meryl Streep. Additionally, she somehow has her own dressing room in the high school? How generous of the director to arrange this for her. The wolf frenzy is the best thing that happened to the director so it’s a bit strange he would create a part for the wolf instead of continuing to fly under the radar; the vice principal is so worried about keeping tabs on the wolf he’s not even suspicious that this one woman play is just a means for the director to get laid. Just one big happy family in the theatre.

Taking a Wait-and-See approach:

• Lewis – extremely forgettable performance but the only character I trust in this whole movie. He is the only one that acts like he’s in a real werewolf movie and believes he might actually die if he doesn’t keep his guard up. I respect that.

Want to take down the wolf:

• Boof - simply the gold standard for all past and future girls next door. She’s pretty without being glamorous, strong wardrobe choices with fun belts, wears contacts instead of glasses (you know the director went back and forth on this and ultimately made the right call), likes sports enough that she’ll play them, and willing to call the man she loves on his shit. Susan Ursitti is perfectly cast as Boof - seriously, who else could have played her? No one. Ironically, a million girls could have played Pamela Wells. Susan went on to get her Masters in Design and now a mother of three and actively involved with the Parents Association at the Brentwood School (see IMDb). Just like Boof would be doing now.

• Mick – one of my least favorite 80s movie bullies despite a set-up that could have put him on near equal footing as Johnny Lawrence of Kobra Kai. In fact, where was William Zabka when Teen Wolf was shooting? He got every single dick part in the middle of the 80s and yet somehow was not asked to take this role on? I digress. Mick is a part of a long line of 32-year-old seniors who wreak havoc in high school settings. He’s Dylan McKay without the depth or Buddy from Three O’Clock High with slightly more adept social skills. Does he ever deliver a memorable line in this whole movie? A signature moment where he can say, “I owned that”? Where’s his smashing my ex-girlfriend’s boom box in the sand before I kick ass in my parachute pants scene? Where’s his ‘What’s a matter, Mommy not here to dress you?’ line? All I see is him standing on the endline sweating.

• All his Beaver teammates - At first his teammates like playing with the wolf, then they despise him for being MJ in the Doug Collins era, then they despise him for not becoming the wolf in the regional championship game. The frustration boiled over when Doug Savant was dribbling at half court and the wolf came up from behind him and stole the ball on his way to the dish. Shortly thereafter, Chubby is seen eating a banana at half court because he’s so bored and, apparently hungry for a healthy snack (second time the refs don’t step in when they need to. How can you let a player eat a banana on the court? Slipperiest fruit there is).

The championship game is where this movie leaves its mark in the pantheon of 80s movies – great comeback, great ending scene, and hall of fame song anchoring the scoring montage. The first thing to note is the score is 28-0 in the 3rd quarter when Scott (not the wolf) comes through the double doors, the crowd meeting his Willis Reed routine with dead silence. The team is on pace to lose to the Dragons by 59 points again. Not sure how it's possible to get shut out in a half, but this just adds to the Beaver legend.

Question: what’s the spread in the Beaver-Dragon game if the Wolf plays? Pick ‘em? Remember, the Dragons have athletes – besides Mick they also have a guy that looks like a young Thurl Bailey. You would think the Dragons coach would put 4 guys on the wolf and let Chubby and Doug Savant beat them. The No-Wolf Line has to be Dragons minus 59.5 with heavy money on the Dragons since it’s a revenge game for Mick – he just had his suit shredded by the wolf at the dance and not to mention cuckolded by him. Can you imagine if Scott Skiles had done this to Kevin McHale in the 80s? McHale goes off for 39 and 18, minimum.

Okay, back to the huddle where Scott delivers his “I think we can win this. We don't need the wolf” speech. If this were not an 80s movie but a real basketball game sending a wolfless Scott into this huddle for a pep talk would be like sending Timothy Geithner out to the press corps to discuss specifics of the Financial Stability Plan and expecting a bump in the stock market. Scott really can’t take credit for the momentum shift – you know who can? Mark Safan summoning the charge with his “Win in the End”. [note: If the Treasury Secretary had some montage music, he might have fared better.]



Few things to highlight about the comeback and the end of the movie:

1. Scott is going to get credit for leading the comeback and hitting the clutch free throws, but # 45 played like an absolute monster in the last two quarters. I have his line at 8 points, two boards, THREE snowcone blocks, and a Grant Hill-like length of the court outlet pass for a deuce. That’s just in the footage we saw. He could go to the next level with a mid tier conference team. His high school highlight reel to send out to college coaches IS the last six minutes of Teen Wolf.

2. Mick has at least three intentional fouls and yet somehow avoids getting tossed. Fouls – forearm to Doug Savant’s face right before Scott enters the building, clotheslines Scott on a break-away, and double kidney punch on a drive. THEN, is mysteriously allowed to stand under the basket during the final two free throws. Where are the refs? And can we get the Dragons team manager to give Mick a towel?

3. After Scott slices to the hole for a lay-up, cutting the deficit to 5 at the two minute mark, he celebrates by jumping into the arms of his teammate. What are you doing? Get back on defense! A heady point guard would never allow himself to show emotion. That lapse in concentration leads to a fast break lay-up by the Dragons pushing the lead back up to 7. A devastating blow. Again, in real life, you don’t recover from such a mistake. Bobby Knight would have pulled him from the game and lost to prove a point.

4. Why is Mick guarding Scott at the end of the game? Mick is a 3 or 4 playing against a point guard. Come to think of it, do the Dragons have any guards on the floor the entire game? They scored zero backcourt points in this game.

5. The Pamela Wells snub: we’ve established she only likes winners so once Scott breezes right by her into the arms of Boof, you know Mick is on the outs. I watched the last ten minutes of the German version on Youtube, and Pamela’s snub of Mick is even harsher. [For some reason it makes me happy to know that German teenagers had the opportunity to enjoy this movie.] Know who’s going back to her dressing room? No. 45. Again, watch his performance in the second half – it’s unbelievable! That’s actually how I start Teen Wolf Two - # 45 in Pamela’s dressing room re-hashing the stuff-outlet pass play.

6. The extra exposing himself right after Scott makes out with Boof. Why are his pantsdown? How did the producer not catch this on final cut?

I saw Teen Wolf once as a kid in the theatres and about 97 glorious times since. It’s a movie that demands your attention even when a real game is on. The wolf represents teen angst, the physical embodiment of the inner freak which seems possible to overcome and embrace when you have a best friend like Stiles, a Dad like Mr. Howard, a girlfriend like Boof, and a love like basketball.

That’s why I’ll be back for the 98th.